Merry Fuckin' Xmas!

So yesterday was xmas, and I ve been back home for 4 days.... can't wait to be back in Barcelona! Dad just pidsses me off and itget to a point were I flip out and he needs a good beating!!! I dont care if he's my "father", he deserves it! he keeps on saying the meanest things about mom... the woman that stayed by his side 24/7 when she could of just let him rot... thats what i would do. no matter how much i love him at the same time i could kill him! so when he said the things he said like "that useless bitch" i just flipped, he would be nothing wothout her, so iwas holding him by his shirt and shacking him, i guess i was trying to shake him to his senses, he started getting violent. he fell over on the nice wooden bench, the angle broke off.... and he fell to the floor. i fell right on him. he was screaming, like he normally does. no biggy im used to it. he started hitting me, tryiiing to hurt. i ve been hurt enough during my life, physical damage doesnt hurt me one bit. i full of bruises and scratches, he has one small little bruise from the wooden bench. he strangled me like 5 times. i was screaming at my mom to leave him, if she didn't i was going to kill myself, so i took the knife and started slitting my wrist. I figure it's the only way to get yourself heard in the family. she said she will when it's time. i dont want to be all the way in barcelona worring about her, thinking "did dad kill her?" she deserves the wolrd, she deserves the world! i wish i could give it to her... i mean even if she does leave her, what will hapen to her? imean she is beautiful, she can find anybody... with all the devorcies now! somebody that will treat her with respect, spoil her a little. she deserves that! no wonder toni and i have so many relationship problems, we are soooo opposites that she is 31 years old who changes boyfrind evertyfew months, maximum every three years. and me 21 years old that can't have one at all. i bet alot of good guys have asked me; but they never seem right.
so i called josef a few days ago, tipsy and all, and asked him this question that i guess been wanting to know the answer for maybe almost two years "why her over me?" i mean this girl is ugly, ok uglier than me, fatter than me, has a bigger nose than me.... i mean all the stuff i thought was wrong with ME is deffinetly wronger with her! i mean its not wrong WRONG, just how can he find her attractive and not me? how can he want to see her naked and not me? i mean not to mention she is also schizo, and not a joke she was diagnost with schizophrenia when she was little and only a few years ago she had her last episode, and from what she told me she was really creepy! she decided to tell me this the first night i slept at her house, she was taking medicines and all. so yah, wouldnt that make your self-esteem go down too???!!!

so his answers too all of this was that i was a bit silly, and undserious, crazy and weird, not weird WEIRD; but that i have weird reasoning... and that i do simi things (which he couldn't give me an example of) and that we new all sides of each other, to what i responded "isn't that a good thing?" he said no. then i said "well one day or the other you are going to know all sides to her too" (i hope its the schizo side) oh and yes he basically said that i am blond!!!! which i am but he meant as bimbo blond! i felt like that movie legally blond, cause he was saying he needed a serious girl, which i wasn't and other stuff to which i responded "because im too blond?!"
i am soooo unserious, i moved to a different country all on my own, i got a job all on my own, a house all on my own, i work for the biggest bank in the freakin world (not to mention i am the youngest by far in my group) and all this MUST come from a silly, unserious, bimbo! so he never got me at all in the first place, and if anything would of happen to us, it wouldnt of last sooooo thanks to the other girl (my ex good frind) i didnt ruin anything, i probablly wouldnt of even gone to barcelona, so i should just thank him, so thats what i am going to do right now!

oki i called; but he was in a very noisy place. anyways, im am over him it only took me a second to call and a second to get over him, why didnt i do that two years ago?, my mom was right he his a fuckin muslim, from what he said he prefers boring serious people, which i guess i'm not since im crazy so im deffinetly not boring and i have a weird way of reasoning, so i think out of the box so it doesnt make me a straight non creative serious person. you know i always thaught that crazy was a good thing, being different was a good thing... i guess not; bu tno worries i wont change not for that, i guess i like me... i mean i think i have a good character and if a guys doesnt get hat, then they dont get me. hence they dont deserve me! right?

im going to die alone.